


Birthdaymass

by pistachioinfernal



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: (the day they were all born so there ya go), Family Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Gift Fic, I wanted to write a Christmas fic but then I thought, Klaus Hagreeves is a lil shit but I love him, Klaus and Diego bonding and being brothers, This takes place after season three, absolutly takes place after season two, also Grace and Pogo are there, and Klaus and Diego bicker with each other because I love them together, and not everyone does Christmas, maybe kinda, no beta we die like ben, okay but maybe everyone is bombarded with Christmas right now, shopping trip fic, so I thought well let's have Birthdaymas!, there's also some swearing but it's also very slight, there's some Allison/Luther but it's very slight, they aren't dead whoo!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-05
Updated: 2020-12-05
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:54:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27896368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pistachioinfernal/pseuds/pistachioinfernal
Summary: Klaus drags Diego with him to the thrift shop, looking for presents for their siblings. What happens next may shock you!(If you're thinking 'Klaus is a lil' shit', then you'll probably not be that shocked.)
Kudos: 37





	Birthdaymass

**Author's Note:**

> CW for slight Allison/Luther and a really awful sexist shirt.

“Oh hey Diego, what about this?” said Klaus. He held up a shirt that said ‘The Man Wearing This Shirt Is A Cowboy. Do Not Be Afraid. Just Lie Down And Do Everything The Nice Cowboy Tells You.’

Diego finished reading the shirt and shook his head, his lip curling in disgust. “No. It’s disgusting.”

“But isn’t that the point? That it’s kinda ironic?”

“Look Klaus....if you can’t tell if somethings supposed to be a joke, then it’s not funny, okay?”

Klaus sighed dramatically, putting the shirt back on the clothes rack. “Fiiiine, I guess you’re right.”

He turned back to the clothing rack as Diego eyed everything in the thrift shop, hands in his pockets. “Why are we here anyway Klaus?”

“Because! We want something unique!”

“And cheap.”

“And cheap!” Klaus agreed, pulling out a red shirt that said ‘You’ve Got Red on You’ on a name tag.

“What about this one for Five?” he said pensively, holding it up.

Diego rolled his eyes. “Yeah, reminding him of all the awful shit he’s had to do is a _great_ idea.” he deadpanned.

“Aww you’re no fun.” Klaus pouted. Then he brightened. “Wait, what about this one?” he said, pulling out a plain yellow shirt that said ‘I make my Dad sad with my choices’ and then in smaller words ‘(everyday)’.

Diego looked at it. “Okay...but who are you getting it for?”

“Uh _me_ dumbass, who else? I’ll cut off the hem, show a little skin...” he said, winking.

Diego wrinkled his nose. “Gross Klaus..you’re my brother.”

“Never stopped Allison and Luther, just sayin’!” said Klaus with a shrug, as he dropped the shirt into their basket. Diego sighed heavily, thrusting his hands into his jacket pockets.

He didn’t like it in here. The thrift store had low ceilings. The walls were painted a light grey, and everything smelled kinda...funny. Like a cross between old books and laundry detergent.

“Okay so far...you’ve picked out three tops for yourself...five pants for yourself...aaaaannnnnd...zero anything for anyone.” said Diego, sighing. “Good job bro.” He gave him a sarcastic thumbs up.

“Well I can’t buy anything for you, because you’re right here.” said Klaus. “I want Birthdaymass-"

"You are the only person calling our birthday that." interrupted Diego.

"Shush! I want Birthdaymass to mean something this year! This is the first time we get to celebrate it together in um....I wanna say fifteen years?”

“Something like that.” said Diego, shifting from foot to foot uneasily. “Just hurry up okay? This place gives me the creeps."

“Okay okay....oh nice! How about this book, ‘The History Of Violins’ for Vanya?”

Diego shrugged. “Kinda on the nose, isn’t it? I mean, what, are you going to get me a book on the history of knives?”

He paused. “Actually, that would be kinda cool...”

Klaus grinned, putting the book back on the shelf. “So noted!”

He turned back to the clothing rack. “Okay...what about....this for dear Vanny?” He took out a soft, oversized sweater, made of a gleaming grey wool.  
Diego hmm....then reached out to touch it. His eyes widened. “Holy shit...that is _really_ soft!”

Klaus nodded, looking smug. “This is caasssshhhmeeerrrrre.” he purred, drawing out the word in a way that made Diego roll his eyes. “And guess what? It’s only twenty dollars!”

“Twenty bucks!” Diego exclaimed. “I thought this was a thrift store!”

“Well that’s cheap for cashmere bro.” said Klaus, smiling and shrugging as he threw the sweater into the basket. "Hmmm...though I've gotta dry clean it before I give it to her...meh, I'll just handwash it instead."

“Okay...for Luther...hmm... oh wait, the music section!” Klaus dashed over to the music section as Diego followed grumpily behind. A mom with a toddler gave him a sympathetic/amused glance as he did so. _Yep, that’s right, I’ve got my own kid to look after,_ he thought grimly.

“Yess.....look at this!” said Klaus, holding up a record. “ ‘WHAM’ Make It Big.’” read Diego, shrugging. “Okay, cool I guess.”

Klaus rolled his eyes. “You guess?!? Geez Diego, have you no respect for music history??” He tsked, putting the record carefully in the basket.

“Okay, so that leaves you, Allison, Five, Mom, and Pogo.”

“Just get some brainy shit for Pogo and Five, who cares?” said Diego. Klaus’s eyes widened dramatically.

“Diego....my sweet, adorable baby brother-”

“We’re the same age!”

“Not anymore, I'm older then you by three years and ten months, shush! My dear, darling brother....do you not like shopping?” he batted his eyes.

“No, I like shopping, don’t be sexist.” Diego grouched as Klaus grinned at him. “What I hate is shopping with you, because you turn it into a three ring fucking circus!”

Klaus’s face dropped. “Oh wow...sorry about that...didn’t mean to be such a drag or whatever.” he said, biting out the words. “And this isn’t a ‘fucking circus’, I’ve seen one, and believe me, much more fun than _this_.”

He poked his brother in the chest, then stood there, arms folded. Diego looked at him. “Aren’t you gonna...storm off or whatever?” he said. He already felt bad for what he said. It was fun...just kinda exhausting fun. Klaus just looked at him, impassive.

“I just...” Diego sighed. “I’m...sorry, okay? I’m sorry I said that...about shopping with you. This is...kinda fun. Super tiring...but fun.”

Klaus nodded. “Fine....but you have to hold the basket.”

Diego accepted it, then cursed. “Why the fuck is this so heavy?”

“Clothes are heavy, suck it up little bro!” said Klaus cheekily. “Oh wait!”

He grabbed a mug off the shelf, grinning from ear to ear. “I have found...the perfect gift for Five. _And_ it’ll piss Luther off at the same time!”

Diego frowned as he looked at it. “So? I see mugs like that all the time I-” His eyes widened. “Oh...shit!”

Klaus nodded, grinning from ear to ear. “Exactly.”

“He is gonna _kill_ you.”

“Then I’ll die happy, come on! We still have to find stuff for Allison, Grace and Pogo!” said Klaus in a sing song voice. Diego followed him, shaking his head, but with a small smile on his lips.

“Oh wow Klaus, I love it!” gushed Vanya as she opened her present. “Oh my god...it’s so soft!”  
She rubbed her face in it like a cat, smiling. They had already opened the presents from Luther and Allison

(Luther had made them all little oragami animals, his was the unicorn from ‘Blade Runner’. Nice. Allison had got them all different cookbooks ‘Because Grace’s present is she’s going to teach us how to cook!’ His had been ‘You Suck At Cooking: The Absurdly Practical Guide to Sucking Slightly Less at Making Food: A Cookbook’ Ha ha.)

Allison was already admiring Klaus’s present to her, a small pair of amber earrings with gold flecks in them (‘They thought these were plastic, can you believe it!’ Klaus had enthused when they found them for a mere ten dollars), Pogo had gotten ‘A Short History Of Nearly Everything’ and Grace had also gotten a book ‘The Story of Art.’

“It’s caaaasshhmeeerrre.” said Klaus, and Diego rolled his eyes, smiling. He’d already opened his present from Klaus ‘Knives and Swords, A Visual History’, just like Klaus had joked. And a black cashmere scarf as well, which he was already wearing around his neck. He had to admit, cashmere was really really soft.

“WHAM! Thanks Klaus!” said Luther, grinning from ear to ear, turning the record over in his hands. Five was looking at his wrapped present, which was definitely mug shaped. “Well I wonder what this could be.” he said in a monotone.

“It’s a kalasnikov, duh.” said Klaus with a grin as Five tore the paper off.

Once the paper was off, he stared at it. Then chuckled.

“What, what is it?” said Luther, frowning as he leaned over to try and see. Five, smiling, obligingly turned the mug around so everyone could see it.

“...Number One Dad?” said Luther. His frown deepened, and everyone burst into giggles. “Hey! Hey, I’m-”

“Ah ah ah, no more numbers, remember Luther? Team Zero.” Five said, as he pretended to toast, then drink from the mug.

“But...but you’re not-” Luther spluttered.

“Excuse me, a little respect for your number one elder.” said Five as the rest of the family snickered. Grace looked on with her normal beatific smile (though it may have been a little larger than usual) and Pogo merely shook his head ruefully.

“That mug is...is...false advertising!” said Luther.

"Luther! Is that anyway to speak to your father?” said Allison, grinning. Luther threw up his hands. “This family is a nightmare! A goddamn nightmare!”

“Nice Birthdaymass presents bro.” Diego said to Klaus as Luther continued to rant. “Crushed it.” said Klaus with a sly smile as they fistbumped each other.

**Author's Note:**

> Luther eventually calmed down and they all had hot cider. Five has been using that mug ever since though, much to his brothers chagrin.
> 
> I don't hate Luther, he's come a long way baby! But it's fun to take the piss out of him, y'know? ;)
> 
> Also, I love the idea of Luther making delicate oragami things. I feel like he'd been good at it, it requires patience and precision, and pretty paper. Good stuff. <3
> 
> All those shirts that Klaus and Diego find are real shirts. The last one I saw online and thought it would be perfect for Klaus, the other two I have seen in stores with my own eyes (yep, the cowboy one is real, and it's just as terrible as you imagine it is.)
> 
> All the books are real too, except for 'The History of Violins' one, which is just me punning around. ;)
> 
> Hope you liked the fic! Please comment or leave a kudos if you did, cheers! <3


End file.
